


Need Isn't Love

by Goldy



Category: Gossip Girl
Genre: Angst, F/M, ugh this show
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-03
Updated: 2013-07-02
Packaged: 2017-12-17 12:52:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/867751
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Goldy/pseuds/Goldy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>Dan, it's not your job to save Blair Waldorf.</i> Post-5x24 fix-it, kind of.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> AU post-season 5. Ugh this show.

The call comes at 3am.

Dan groans and rolls over, groping for his phone with his fingertips

He presses the phone to his ear. "Whoever this is, it better be an emergency," he mumbles, words muffled against his pillow.

"Dan.... hi."

For a second, he can scarcely believe it. Then he's sitting up, fumbling to turn on a light switch.

_What the hell?_

"It's Blair," continues the voice, as if it isn't obvious. "Dan? Are you still there?"

"Yeah," he says. He finally manages to get a lamp on and bites back a curse as bright light streams into his eyes. "What.... what are you..."

It's way too early in the morning for this conversation. Actually, he's pretty sure that he _never_ wants to have this conversation. 

"I was hoping we could talk," Blair says, calmly, and what the hell, _how could she call him up after everything and be so goddamn calm?_

"Talk?" he repeats. Is she serious? "You called me to... talk?"

"Yes, Humphrey. Talk. As I recall, you used to be quite adept at it."

His voice hardens. "Blair, I am two seconds away from hanging up. You expect me to believe that you called me out of the blue after four months... to talk?"

"I grant you that my timing could have been better, but--”

"No, no way," Dan interrupts. "I am done with this. With you."

He moves to hang up, but Blair says, "No, Dan--please don't." She pauses. "I just... I could really use a friend right now."

He's momentarily speechless. "Friends?" he manages. "Really. Is that why you dumped me by email? Because we're such great _friends_?"

Blair draws in a shaky breath. "I suppose... I may have made a few decisions that I regret."

"We're not friends, Blair," he continues, his grogginess now forgotten. "As far as I'm concerned, this is the last time we'll ever speak to each other."

"Fine," she replies coolly, but he knows (knew?) her well enough to detect a waver in her voice.

He shuts his phone off more forcefully than he needs to before throwing it on the bed, breathing heavily. What gave her the right? How dare she call him like nothing had changed; like he'd just slip back in the role of being her friend, no questions asked? She's the one who walked out on _him_.

He glances at his phone. Still, she had seemed upset about something--he had heard it in her voice. He hesitates. He meant what he said--he never wants to speak to her again.

But that waver in her voice....

He groans and picks up the phone. He hates himself. This isn't the way to move on. He got the last word in, it's time to move forward and leave the Waldorf-Basses to their power plays.

He calls her back.

"Dan?" she sounds relieved, but her voice is scratchy like she'd been crying.

He sighs. "I'm sorry I hung up on you."

"No you're not."

"No I'm not, " he admits. "Things aren't okay, Blair. I meant what I said. But I shouldn't have yelled at you."

"No," Blair agrees, a little primly. "You were right, though. About everything. I guess I just hoped enough time had passed to..."

"What? Get over being dumped for Chuck Bass via email? Be friends again?"

"Something like that," is Blair's soft reply. There's a pause, and he can picture her tentative smile when she says, "You once told me that you'd always be there for me."

"Blair--”

"I need you, Dan."

Christ. He closes his eyes and scrubs a hand over his face. He wonders if she realizes how manipulative she's being.

Still, he can't help softening, some of the anger leaving him. She knows exactly which buttons to push.

"Blair, what's wrong?"

She sniffles and her voice sounds distant when she says, "I'm just... I feel so lonely. Between with what happened with you, and then Serena... I lost both my best friends at the same time."

Dan fights the urge to yell at her again--it was her own fault, after all. But then he remembers his own actions that night--of drinking too much, reaching for Serena because she was there, her ensuing betrayal and the words he'd said to her in response.

What he says is, "You're with Chuck, aren't you? Everything you ever wanted."

She's quiet and then says, "I didn't think it would be like this."

"Like what?"

"So... lonely."

He softens even more. "Blair--"

"I feel like he's trying to punish me--for Louis, for you. Maybe even for loving me at all."

Despite his anger, her words unnerve him. "Blair, has he... done anything? Hurt you?"

She laughs, but it's a low and bitter noise. "Not like you mean, but it doesn't always take fists to hurt someone, does it?" She pauses. "Chuck only ever seems to want me when I'm with someone else."

Dan takes a slow and measured breath. Just what had Chuck done in a past life to deserve Blair's undying love and loyalty? (And what was wrong with her that she still couldn't see, after all this time, that no matter how much she loved him, Chuck would never change for her?)

"Blair, come home. You don't have to stay with him.”

"No," she says. "No. I need it to mean something, Dan. All these years--everything Chuck and I went through for each other--how can that mean nothing?"

"Blair, just come home. We'll figure it out. Please."

"I gave everything up to be with him. You. Serena. God, I even lost Louis because of Chuck. How can that mean nothing, Dan? It has to mean something."

"Come home," he tries again, feebly.

He can almost see her shaking her head. "Thank you for the talk, Humphrey. I think I'll be fine on my own now."

There's a 'click' and then the line goes dead. 

He doesn't call her back again.

**

Since Lily and Rufus's divorce, his dad had moved back into the loft again. Dan has quietly taken over paying most of the bills while Rufus putters around, occasionally rousing himself enough to string out a few notes on his guitar. (Thankfully Lily left Dan's trust fun alone--which Dan is grateful for since best-selling author or not, he doesn't quite have the income to support two adults full time on the profits from _Inside_ alone). The fact that he is essentially supporting Rufus for the near future bothers Dan less, however, than his total lack of privacy.

It's extremely difficult, for instance, to book tickets for transatlantic flights without his father noticing that something is off. 

"Paris?" Rufus exclaims, from behind where Dan is hunched over his computer, coffee in one hand, his other hand searching the Internet for last minute flights to France. 

Dan takes a sip of coffee and slowly turns around, trying not to look embarrassed under Rufus's inquisitive stare.

"Look, dad," Dan finds himself saying, "this isn't what you--”

"Didn't Blair end up in France?"

"Okay," Dan says, "so... it's exactly what you think."

Rufus sighs heavily. "Son."

"Dad."

They stare at each other, Dan silently challenging his father to say something. Finally Rufus says, "Dan, don't you think Blair has moved on? Maybe you should too."

"You don't understand," Dan finds himself saying, uncomfortably aware that he's making excuses for her - _still_. "She called me last night. I think she might be in trouble."

Rufus frowns. "I'm not sure it's right for Blair to pull you into her life again."

Dan looks away, back to the computer screen. He knows Rufus is right--Blair doesn't want him, maybe she had never wanted him. He's supposed to be moving on; not planning to stalk her halfway around the globe.

Still, he can't quite make himself believe that everything they had together was a lie. 

"She needs me," Dan finds himself saying quietly.

Rufus suddenly looks much older than Dan has ever remembered him looking before. He rests one hand on Dan's shoulder, squeezes lightly and says, "Dan, it's not your job to save Blair Waldorf."

Then he removes his hand and leaves the room. 

**

Jenny thinks he's insane.

"Dad called me," she explains without a 'hello' when Dan picks up the phone. "He's really worried about you, Dan."

"He doesn't need to be worried," Dan says, with an edge in his voice.

"Dan. Come on."

Dan rolls his eyes. "Jenny, I know the two of you are just trying to look out for me, but I know what I'm doing."

"Dan, this is _Blair Waldorf_ we're talking about here - remember, the woman who bullied half the student population of our high school? Who spent years trying to sabotage your relationship with Serena? Who used Vanessa in her twisted sex games with Chuck? Who - oh, yeah, _banished_ me from the City? Frankly, you should be grateful that she cut you out when she did. People like Blair and Chuck deserve each other." 

"She's not like that," Dan finds himself saying. "Not deep down."

"Are you even hearing yourself right now?!" Jenny shrieks in his ear. "This is the woman who used you for months in her own selfish attempts to get over Chuck. Is that really someone you want to go chasing after?"

There's a sharp burning feeling in Dan's throat and he scrubs a hand over his forehead. He imagines showing up in France and pushing his way into Chuck and Blair's suite. And then what would he do? Demand Blair leave with him? Blame Chuck for the way their relationship ended? 

_It's not your job to save Blair Waldorf._

But if not him, who else? Serena, Nate, Blair's parents... they all knew what Chuck had put her through and not one of them ever tried to stand in their way.

"Blair made her choice," Jenny continues. "God, can't you... I don't know, just eat ice cream out of the container for a week like a normal person and then move on?"

Dan thinks of his book - the thousands of words he typed out in a foggy haze with Georgina in Rome (until she got bored, told him he was too much of a goodie-goodie to actually publish it, and disappeared off to find someone who _would_ help her).

"You're right," he finally says. He feels like someone has knocked the wind out of him. "Of course you're right."

"Of course I'm right," Jenny says, but she suddenly sounds sympathetic. "Dan, I'm sorry. I know how much you cared about her." She pauses. "But it doesn't matter how much you love her - or think you love her - she's not going to change for you, Dan. People never do. You know that, right?"

"I thought..." and he sounds tired, "I don't know what I thought."

He'd had front row seats to the Chuck and Blair show, after all. What else had he been expecting, really? If he showed up in Paris, he'd only push them closer together.

"Just don't do anything stupid," says Jenny. There's a pause and then she adds, "I can be on the first train out tomorrow, Dan. If you need me."

"I'm okay," Dan finds himself saying automatically even if deep down, he wouldn't exactly mind having his sister's company. His phone starts beeping, signalling an incoming call.

Dan hesitates for a second - _it could be Blair_ \- but then again, _it could be Blair_. He hates the part of himself that jumps at the thought.

"Jenny, I've got a call coming in. I've got to go - "

"Fine," she says. "But nothing stupid, right?"

"Nothing stupid. Bye."

He hangs up with his sister and looks at the caller ID. It's a local number. He's not sure he's disappointed or relieved when he says, "Hello?"

"Dan." 

It's Serena. Dan immediately jumps to his feet, running a hand through his hair. "Serena - oh my god, we've been worried sick. Where are you?"

There's a pause and then, "I'm in the hospital."

Dan squeezes his eyes shut. "The hospital?"

"I overdosed," she whispers and begins crying softly. "Will you come? Please?"

"Yeah," Dan says, swallowing heavily. "Of course I will."

**

"Dan, I'm so sorry," Serena says. Her hand is in his. Her touch is light and paper-thin, her lips colourless.

He nods mechanically.

"Don't worry about that now," he says. "I just want you to get better."

He smiles tightly, hoping to break some of the tension in the air. Serena smiles back, tentatively.

"Listen, Serena," he starts, "those things I said..."

Serena starts to pull her hand back, but he tightens his grip.

"We don't have to talk about--”

"I didn't mean it," Dan says firmly. "I was angry. At you... at Blair... at myself."

Serena pulls her hand back, seeming to retreat into herself. "It was my fault," she whispers. "I'm the one who lied to you about Blair."

He manages a self-deprecating laugh. "As it happens, you ended up being more of a psychic than a liar."

A corner of Serena's mouth turns up. She doesn't contradict him. "I'm sorry, Dan," she settles on. "I know how much you care about her."

"I care about you too," Dan says and is surprised to find how much he means it. Truth be told, he hadn't spent much time thinking about Serena the last few months--he'd been too consumed by his bitterness over Blair and his new book to give much thought to what happened to his ex-girlfriend-turned-ex-stepsister after she left the loft. Looking at her now, though, how can he stay angry? He isn't the only one who has paid for that night.

"Do you mean that?" Serena says.

Her eyes are wide and trained on his and for a second he contemplates just how easy it would be to press his lips to hers, to promise they could come back from what happened and that he would be with her every step of the way. And they would make it work - he knows that. It doesn't seem to matter how much time and distance they put between each other, the old spark they had never seems to fade completely. 

Still, if he's honest, he knows ultimately he would only be using her to forget Blair--and he thinks they've both done enough of that. 

"I mean it," he says. "Our parents might not be married anymore, but that doesn't we're not still family."

Serena's eyes light up and he can see a spark of the old Serena in the mischievous quirk of her lips. "Dan Humphrey, how very Hallmark greeting card of you."

"Hey, don't knock a best-selling novelist."

"I'm not knocking anything," Serena says. "I could really go for a good old Humphrey family waffle brunch now."

He laughs and then leans forward to press a kiss to her forehead. "You know what," he says, "you're going to be okay."

**

When he arrives back at the loft, he heads straight for his computer and pulls up the document he and Georgina wrote in Rome. The sum total of the book is 95 pages of secrets and slander - without the satirical, fictional quality he brought to _Inside_. 

It's not his finest work, he knows this. It had been written in a haze of loathing and rage - making him, ultimately, no better than the very characters he wrote about. Parts of those pages he's ashamed to say had been cathartic but after talking to Blair, after staring into Serena's eyes after a recent overdose, he knows publishing what he's written would make him the worst of all of them. 

In two quick movements, he highlights the document and then hits 'delete.' He watches his most recent work disappear without a twinge of regret.

As for Blair.... he pulls up his flight options from earlier in the morning. As much as a part of him wants to fly over there and be the one to save her, a large part of him knows it would do no good. He _knows_ Blair Waldorf, he knows that she hates being backed into a corner. If she leaves Chuck, it has to be because she thinks it's a good idea.

Confronting her would only push them closer together.

Sighing, he pulls up her email. After hesitating he simply writes: _It's Serena. She overdosed. I know she could use her best friend right now._

He sends the email without signing his name. He gives her two days, tops.

**

He never receives a reply but 36 hours later he gets the update from Gossip Girl.

_Spotted: Chuck Bass and Blair Waldorf back in New York. Has the golden couple come to regain their crown?  
XOXO._


	2. Chapter 2

Blair doesn't realize how lonely she is at first. She threw her hand down and made her promise - _all in_ \- trying to hide her smile when Chuck met her eyes, silently taking her up on the challenge. 

The game.

And it was exhilarating - intense, familiar, consuming - at first.

But it's not quite the same as it was back in the days of Constance Billard and St.Judes. Chuck likes the game a little too much this time - she can see it in the turn of his head, the way his eyes only rarely rest on hers. It's a type of game they've never quite played before. This time, Chuck wants to see her pay. Every late night meeting, every "I love you" is met with stony silence, every distant kiss seems like a way to test her resolve. 

The sex is quick and rough; Chuck rolls away afterwards, his back silently daring her to argue. She wakes up with bruises on her arms and tender lips, but she still doesn't back down.

If she backs down, he wins. 

**

At first she thinks it must be Serena who she's missing - after all, Serena is her best friend; they tell each other everything. Serena would tell her to hang in there. Serena would remind Blair that she and Chuck loved each other; that it would be worth it if she could only hang on a little longer.

But the longer Chuck maintains the distance between them, the more Blair starts to crave a different kind of intimacy. Flashes of memories creep in. She remembers nights spent in Brooklyn, her legs strewn casually across Dan's lap. She remembers waking up to the smell of waffles and Dan's chapped lips pressed against her forehead. She remembers how Dan always seemed to know when she needed a hug (Blair can't remember the last time she and Chuck shared a hug). 

It gradually dawns on her that it's not Serena she's missing, but Dan. 

The realization makes her feel nauseous - what _right_ does Dan Humphrey have, of all people, to have her mooning over him? (She tries not to think about the way she left things between them - it only make the nausea worse). 

It's to be expected, she tells herself. They _did_ date for several months and, she admits, it wasn't the worst relationship of her life. In fact, besides Chuck, it was probably the most she ever lo--

She stops that line of thought before it can be fully formed. 

It'll pass, she tells herself. As soon as she gets by the worst of Chuck's defenses, whatever _this_ \- this moment of weakness, sudden uncertainty - is will pass.

It doesn't.

**

Chuck is packing an overnight bag, stopping only to fix his bow-tie in the mirror. 

"Do you have to go? Now?"

She's curled up on the edge of their bed, draped in a loose silk robe. Her skin still hums from their particularly intense round of sex. She won't say it aloud, but she's craving a cuddle, maybe soft conversation.

She can tell from the set of Chuck's shoulders that she's not going to get it.

"I have to be in Vienna early tomorrow morning, Blair."

He says it in a short, clipped tone, his eyes meeting hers in the mirror as if daring her to argue.

"Oh."

She feels some of the fight go out of her. Pushing herself to her feet, she wraps her arms around his waist and then buries her nose in the back of his shirt. 

She hates how needy she sounds when she says. "Maybe when you can come back, we can take some time for us? A night out in Paris?"

Chuck stills and his next words are gentler. "You know there's nothing I want more, but every hour we spend together is an hour my father gets closer to taking everything away from me."

She nods against his shirt and swallows hard, trying not to cry.

"Blair." Chuck turns around and cups her face. His thumb smoothes at the tears on her face. Though his touch is gentle, she almost shivers at the hint of victory she sees in his eyes. "I could never do this without you. I need you."

"I know."

"I'll be back soon."

He presses his lips to her forehead and then he's gone.

It's the following morning when, sitting alone in their hotel suite in Paris, she picks up the phone and dials Dan's number. 

**

Dan's email comes a day later. She stares at it for a long time, unsure how to react. New York almost seems like another life - a world that doesn't involve endless business meetings, tense and quiet dinners with Chuck, and hot, fast sex in a hotel suite.

But it's _Serena_. And as mad as she might have been, she's not sure how to turn away from Serena when Serena needs her.

She calls Chuck and he agrees surprisingly quickly. "After we see Serena, there's an investor I'd like us to meet with."

There's a hint of something in his voice that sounds like he's up to a scheme, but instead of excitement, Blair only feels tired. Hadn't she offered to use her mother's company to help him win back his own? But of course he'd turned that down.

"I'll book us a flight."

"I'll get there on my own," says Chuck. "We'll meet at the airport."

He hangs up without saying goodbye. Well of course Chuck is eager to rescue Serena - everyone always is, after all. Just another day on the Upper East Side.

***

Chuck is already waiting for her in New York when Blair's flight touches down. She's not entirely surprised - if anyone could book a Charter for a cross-Atlantic flight in seconds, it's him.

He looks tired and grim, but manages a small smile when he sees her. "It's Serena," he only says simply, when she gets off the plane. They share a surprisingly tender kiss before Chuck takes her hand and leads her away.

It's only in the town car, when she sees the blast on Gossip Girl, does she wonder if Chuck had simply put on a show for an audience. 

Chuck's hand rests heavily on her knee. "I'll get her whatever care she needs, Blair. I promise."

Blair nods and turns to stare out the window. New York City feels familiar, yet foreign, like it belongs to a different Blair Waldorf, a younger Blair Waldorf. She used to want to rule that city so badly, to just be _someone_ so the name Blair Waldorf would mean something when others said it aloud.

Now? She feels like a shadow again. She's let Chuck back into her world and all she can do is orbit around him.

_We have a great love_ , she reminds herself. The great loves are worth it.

Blair rests her head on the glass and only says, "Lily will look after Serena. We have to conserve your resources for your father."

Chuck squeezes her knee. "Of course. This is why I need you."

**

Chuck is similarly attentive in the parking lot and then again in the waiting room. A part of Blair is thrilled by his sudden affection, but everywhere they go, Blair hears low whispers and the snapping of camera phones. She's smart enough to realize he's not just being affectionate - a touch on her shoulder, his hand to her back, his lips grazing her hairline - as he is reminding the world who she belongs to. And one person in particular. 

Dan Humphrey.

"I called ahead," Chuck says, "Lily is expecting us."

Blair nods. So they won't make the mistake of running into any Humphreys, she assumes. Fine.  
Lily meets them in the waiting room with a strained, tired smile. "Blair," she says warmly, pulling her into a hug. "Oh I'm so glad you're here." 

She releases Blair and nods to Chuck. "Charles."

Chuck nods back. "You look well, Lily. Of course, why wouldn't you? You must be so happy to have my father back."

Lily sighs. "Charles I know you must be upset and confused by my involvement in all of this, but I've spoken to your father and he agrees that - "

"I really don't give a damn about your pillow talk with my father."

Lily's long-suffering expression doesn't falter. "I know it might seem hard for you to believe at this point, but I'm only trying to help you."

"You'll understand if I find that hard to believe," says Chuck. He turns to Blair and in a warmer voice says, "I've scheduled a meeting with an investor. Tell Serena I'll be by later." 

He presses a delicate kiss to Blair's forehead and then leaves.

Lily watches him go. "I wish he'd listen. I've only ever been on his side. Blair, maybe if you talked to him..."

The last thing Blair needs is to play peacemaker between Chuck and stepmother-turned-adopted-mother. "I really just want to see Serena."

Lily sighs again, but says, "Of course."

**

Serena looks smaller and frailer than Blair has ever seen her. She's seen her friend hit rock bottom before, of course, but this time feels different. Her skin is wan and pale, her hair dull, her face waxy. A wave of guilt washes through Blair - she should have been there. If she'd been there, she's almost certain she could have stopped this.

"B," Serena's smile is surprisingly bright, filling the room in an instant. Blair feels a rush of relief. Serena is still in there. She just needs to reach her.

"S," she says, taking the seat next to her. She reaches for Serena's hand and squeezes. "Hi."

Serena's hand squeezes back. "Did mom call you?"

Blair shook her head. "No, it was... it was Dan, actually."

Something flickers in Serena's eyes. "Dan. I didn't know you were on speaking terms."

"We're not," says Blair shortly.

Serena's smile falters. "Blair, I really am sorry for leaking your diary."

"It's already forgotten," says Blair. "You just focus on getting better. Deal?"

"Deal. I guess it worked out, didn't it? You and Chuck--”

Blair forces a wide smile. "We couldn't be happier."

"I'm glad, B."

After that, there doesn't seem to be much left to say. Blair holds Serena's hand and thinks of asking a hundred questions. How could Serena have let this happen? How long until she was released? But only silence fills the room.

They had been in their fair share of fights before - Blair is used to feeling so angry with Serena that she's literally wanted to claw Serena's eyes out. But this is different - she's never felt so stiffly formal and polite with her before.

She's not sure who's to blame for the sudden awkwardness between them - lord knows they'd been through a lot worse than leaked pages of her diary on gossip Girl. But Serena doesn't seem any more eager to break the silence than Blair.

The afternoon sun fades, bathing the room in an orange glow. Blair looks around - taking in the clinically white walls and drab decor. Clearing her throat, she says, "You can't possibly recover properly in a room like this. You at least need the latest issue of _People_."

"I don't need - " Serena begins.

"Of course you do," Blair cuts in. She leaps to her feet, moving around the room with calculating eyes. This is good. This is something she can do. "There's no reason why you can't recover from a drug overdose in style. You're Serena van der Woodsen."

"I really just want to go home, B," says Serena, suddenly small and frail again. She rolls over. "I think I need to avoid the spotlight for a little while."

"Well, no offence," says Blair, "but landing in the hospital after a drug overdose is not the best way to avoid the spotlight."

Serena sighs heavily. "Blair, I love you, but maybe come back tomorrow?"

Blair stares at Serena's back, trying to keep tears from welling. "Okay, S," she finally says, trying not to let on just how helpless she feels. "You get some rest."

**

She calls Dan from the parking lot.

"I just saw Serena," Blair explains quickly. "Can I come over?"

Dan's voice is weary, but he says, "Yeah. Of course."

Blair squeezes her eyes shut. "Thank you." And then, without thinking, adds, "I could really use a friend right now."

Dan hisses out a sharp breath, but only says, "I'll see you soon, Blair."

"Dan, I didn't mean..."

"I'll see you later, " Dan repeats firmly and then hangs up. Blair slowly lowers the phone, trying not to cry.

**

Blair thinks about texting Chuck on the way to Brooklyn, before deciding against it. Why create unnecessary drama? She does, however, keep an eye on Gossip Girl. It would be just her luck to be spotted in Brooklyn.

Her heart is pounding when she knocks on the door. She tries to tell herself she's worried about Serena, but deep down she knows she's nervous about seeing Dan again.

(What if he hates her? Or worse - feels nothing for her? What if he wants nothing more to do with her now that he knows what sort of person she really is?)

And then she's staring into his eyes, unprepared for the wave or relief and comfort that sweeps over her. He looks good, she decides. A little on the scruffy side, maybe, but he's cut his hair, thank god.

"Dan," she says and she's a little breathless. She clears her throat. "Can I come in?"

He opens the door wide and she steps into the loft. It's more cluttered than Blair remembers - Rufus has clearly moved back in. His stuff is squashed awkwardly back into places now occupied by Dan's things. Still the space is familiar, and Blair can't help but feel herself relax. She takes a seat on the couch, fingers idly playing with the hem of her dress.

Dan doesn't sit and she looks up to find him studying her - his eyes are dark and unreadable, even angry.

Blair hurriedly looks away. It's painful for him to look at her that way.

"Seeing Serena like that, it was awful," she says, trying to make her voice sound as light as possible. She could get them through this. If she pushed hard enough, Dan would have no choice but to be friends against. "How long was she...?"

"A few months," says Dan. He begins to pace. "To be honest I didn't spend much time thinking about Serena this summer. I had someone else on my mind."

Blair looks down at her hands. "Oh."

Dan sounds tired. "Blair, what are you doing here?"

"I was upset. I needed - "

"A friend. I know," says Dan.

"No," says Blair. "I needed you, Dan. You." She looks up at him. "It's... harder being without you than I ever imagined it could be."

Dan stops his pacing. "I'm not your boyfriend, Blair. I can't - won't be your shoulder to cry on. That's not my place anymore."

Blair nods mechanically. He's right. Deep down, she knows how unfair she's being.

"I guess I never anticipated how much I'd miss that shoulder." She tries to smile, to turn it into a joke, but Dan doesn't laugh.

"Where's Chuck?" he says. "Shouldn't you be with him?"

Blair shrugs. "Chuck barely notices me these days." Her voice turns bitter. "I'm only a game to him - something he thinks he has a right to own." She pauses. "But I'm the fool, aren't I? I let him back in. Every time."

"Blair." Dan sighs heavily and then drops down next to her. "You don't have to," he says. "You can be better than that. Better than him."

She shakes her head. "Every time I break free, he takes me over again. I should just give it up."

"That's the biggest bullshit I've ever heard. You're Blair Waldorf. When have you given up on anything?"

Blair feels tears well in her eyes and she wipes at them with the back of her hand. "Thanks," she whispers, trying to smile.

"You're welcome." He looks like he wants to say more, but then he drops his gaze, staring at his hands. "Blair... I don't want to fall back on old habits."

Blair rests a hand on one of his. He tenses but doesn't pull away.

"Old habits like me?"

She can't quite keep the hurt out of her voice and he sighs. "Denial might be your coping mechanism, but it's not mine. I can't just forget everything that happened between us and be your friend again."

Blair shifts closer to him and he turns his head to look at her, his eyes dark and wary.

"We were good together, weren't we?"

Dan swallows hard. "We were."

She closes the distance between them and presses her mouth to his. He stiffens but then deepens the kiss, one hand coming up to tangle in her hair. She leans into him, hands sliding up his arms and then encircling his neck.

He kisses her like he's drowning; like maybe she's a ghost that he'll never see again. His hands are everywhere - stroking her face, in her hair, down her back. And then he's pushing her back against the couch, body angling over hers and she gasps, nibbling lightly on his bottom lip.

He hisses out her name, " _Blair_ " and then presses his body against hers. He's all hard planes and sharp angles. She tangles their legs together, grinding against him.

There's a muffle moan and then he presses his face into her neck, breathing hard. She strokes a hand through his hair, waiting for him to move again.

He doesn't. He raises his head to look at her and she knows what he's going to say before he says it.

"Blair, we-"

"Shut up, Dan, just shut up," she says (she knows she's verging on hysterical but she is _not_ going to let him ruin this). "Just let us have this," she whispers. "I _need_ you."

She knows right away that she's said the wrong thing. His eyes shutter and then go slack and then he's picking himself up, shifting away until they're not longer touching. A blast of cool air hits her and Blair shivers.

"What's wrong?" she says. She can't keep her voice from wavering. Her mind is a cacophony of _what did I do what did I do wrong why doesn't he want me._

Dan rests his elbows on his knees and turns to look at her, gaze sad and defeated. "Need isn't love," he says. He pauses. "Maybe we both fooled ourselves into thinking it could be."

She wants to protest. "Dan, it's not like that."

"Then what's it like?"

Blair swipes at a tear on her cheek. She wants him to understand. What she knows about love, she learned from being with Chuck - that it's about the pain, about fighting obstacles to be together. About how, even in her lowest and worst moments, she always knew that Chuck would love her. As she would love him. The problem is, they could never sustain it - she and Chuck are never good when they are actually trying to be together. And she isn't sure she wants to be trapped in their cycle of ChuckandBlair forever.

"I've just... I've loved Chuck for so long. I don't know how to be anything else." Her lip trembles. "All the years we've fought to be together... that has to mean something, doesn't it?"

"Blair-"

He sounds sad, and a little judgmental, and she hastens to add, "It was so easy, you and me."

Dan snorts out something that might be a laugh. "Too easy?"

Blair shrugs a shoulder and looks away. She knows how absurd she sounds. "I'm trying to change. I am. Don't you think I know how messed up this all is? Chuck and I have never been able to make each other happy." She pauses and then says bitterly, "Even my powers of denial can only work for so long."

Dan rests a hand on top of hers. She squeezes at his fingers, a little desperately. 

"Tell you what," he says, "when you manage to work it all out, you come and find me, okay?"

She feels a stab of disappointment. She'd hoped for something more - a promise to help her through it, to be there for her until she figured it out. Like he'd always done. 

He seems to read the disappointment on her face. "Blair," he says, sounding tired and desperate like his resolve would crumble if she pressed the issue. "I... can't. I can't just be here for you on your terms. If we're ever going to work, we need to be equals in this."

His desperation gets through to her and she releases his hand and shakily rises to her feet. She can do this. She can. She has Serena and Darota and her mum - and she knows Dan would never really turn her away if she truly needed him. 

"Okay," she whispers. She meets his eyes and manages to muster up a small smile. It's not quite a promise, but it's not quite _not_ a promise either.


End file.
